Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Beautiful Mess

Sometimes I do this funny thing. I write a post that peels back a protective layer from my vulnerability...and I don't publish it.

Or, I get up the nerve to publish it, but then I don't tweet it. I am okay with it being out there, but afraid to ask people to read it.

I feel pretty sure that this is a concrete example of my personal discomfort with vulnerability, played out in front of me. I love to write, I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't, and yet I tend to keep it safe.

When my heart peeks through, I get nervous. When I write something I'm afraid could easily be slammed or criticized or ripped apart, I choke.

It's funny because I can write about ideas all day long and talk about them easily. I can discuss feminism much easier than I can share my own woman's heart. I can hide behind these terms and concepts, but still be trying to address the same things.

I'm okay with my vulnerability being out there, but I feel afraid to ask people to see it.

My blog allows me to present myself exactly as I want to. I can even try it out and retract it before it's too late. Slowing down this process through blogging is illuminating the very process I engage in my relationships, my church, my marriage.

Fear holds me back. A lot. And I don't even consider myself a fearful person. Richard Beck's series on The Slavery of Death has brought this fully into my view and it is overwhelming.

So, do I publish what I've written?

Do I share the posts I've let slip by?

Am I going to publish this post I'm writing right now?

I don't write about decorating or cooking.
I don't share my professional opinions.
I don't do book reviews and I'm not a watch dog.
I have no desire whatsoever to use this space to present myself as perfect or having it all together. Although it is sorely tempting.

It's just me, it's just what is on my heart when I feel this "fire in my bones" that has to have an outlet.

 I share my life here. I share my heart and deepest desires here. I work them out here and that is vulnerable. This space is safe and dangerous at the same time. I can't explain how this blog is something that means so much to me. It is a publicly accessible space, but it is also very very intimate for me.

I have to be okay with getting things wrong here. If I can't, how can I possibly do that in my church? How can I possibly do that with a face in front of me?

Look out, it might be about to get messy.

*It took me 5 minutes to hit "publish" just now.


Austin said...

I am glad you did publish! And I am very proud to be married to you :)

LaShay said...

I'm glad you did too :) I enjoyed reading the posts you posted following this. I've had some public spaces that I've felt the same way about.