Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Baby Brown

sonogram at 10 weeks
Well, I've debated about where to record the details and memories of my pregnancy and ultimately decided to use my blog because this has always been a special space for me. And so, here goes!

---We are 17 weeks in! I feel like things are just beginning to feel real for me. I think that I even have felt you move now, which is incredible. I really can't wait to meet you. We find out if you are a boy or a girl next week and both of us are so excited. You've already changed our lives and I dream about getting to know you as you grow. I am so thankful for you! Your daddy talks to you all the time and prays for you.---

Starting to get a baby bump!
We've been looking forward to this part of our journey for a long time and it's still hard to believe it's finally happening. It feels like God is already stretching us and teaching us new things, new levels of trusting Him that have already pushed me to my limit.

I laid in bed this morning as still as I possibly could with my hands on my belly hoping to feel something. After a while, I became aware of very subtle movement, almost wondering if I was making it up, but I kept waiting and it happened again. My eyes might have gotten a little teary.

Patience, process, trust, waiting...these are things you can't make yourself learn. But through grace, and our gentle Father we can be transformed. I don't really have that much to do with this process of bringing life into the world. Mostly I just get to witness and partake in it. And it has changed my perspective on what it means to bring life into the world in other ways too. How much action or credit can I really take? Ultimately I have no control over anything. But I can partake in life that is graced to me, bearing witness to the Creator of that life and rejoicing that there is beauty, miracle, breath worth breathing in the midst of so much darkness and uncertainty. For 17 weeks I've anxiously waited for evidence that there is life inside. I knew it was real, and true, but I wanted evidence daily.

I trust that Life is with me, even when I don't "see" the evidence. And I'm beginning to wonder if that's all we are called to do: witness to the Life we have the faith to believe in. Faith we only have through that Life in the first place.

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