Friday, May 29, 2015

Aaron Uriah

It’s time to share our story. 

On May 3rd, we had a miscarriage. We only knew we were pregnant for two weeks, it was very early, but we were both hit hard by how difficult this loss actually was. Early doesn’t mean easy. It has taken us a few weeks to come to a place where we can get our hearts around what happened.

1 Chronicles 16:36 “Oh give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His steadfast love endures forever!”

These things are absolute truth. Our circumstances do not change this. It would have been easy to be angry at God, and I definitely have had my moments. It would have been easy to change my theology for the sake of comfort. (“This must have been God’s will”) This would only have resulted in damaging my trust in Him. Holding God at a distance seemed less painful than thinking He is close and not intervening. 

But we were given a choice. We could turn away, or turn toward. We chose toward. We chose to worship. We chose to stand on the Truths that we know supersede our circumstances. We chose an eternal perspective. We chose to press in and wrestle for a new grasp on his promises.

While the miscarriage was happening, I was given a name and a scripture for our baby. As believers, it is impossible to write off this early miscarriage as not a person. It is impossible to not grieve the loss of our child. I wrestled with this because I was afraid that a name would mean causing more grief than I wanted to feel. But the truth of the matter, in my heart, I know I lost a child. Not a potential child, but a legitimate, full human life on this earth. 

A day before, a friend told me she had a dream about us sharing the name of our son and why we chose that name and that it started with an “A”. She said the dream was so real that she actually went to my Facebook page and looked for the post. 

I was reading my bible the morning after we went to the ER and this passage stood up from the page like it was alive:  

1 Chronicles 23:13… “Aaron and his descendants were set apart to dedicate the most holy things, to offer sacrifices in the Lord’s presence, to serve the Lord, and to pronounce blessings in his name forever.”

Now, I did not take this to mean that the whole  purpose of conceiving and losing our child was so that they would be in heaven. I do not believe that losing our child was God’s will. This verse was instead a comfort, a promise of our child’s realness and purpose beyond our own understanding. That our child’s loss is redeemed in some way in eternity because they are now ministering directly to Jesus and blessing from heaven. Something we all will do someday. 

Austin was given a name as well, Uriah. The story of Uriah is tragic. He was a righteous, loyal man of integrity and in spite of this, his life ended in murder. This may seem like a strange thing, but it again was a reminder of an ETERNAL perspective. When something bad happens to a good person, it is not THEIR fault, punishment, or some sort of twisted game of God. Bad things do happen to good people because this is life outside the garden. This world is broken. It is not God’s will. There is mystery beyond my understanding in this but I do know that the truth of God’s character is not changed by this. When all else is beyond my ability to understand, I must choose to stand on what I do know, which is my relational knowledge of God. 

1 Chronicles 16:36 “Oh give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His steadfast love endures forever!”

God also has given us hope beyond circumstance and promises that we cling to. I am thankful for the way he has used other people to bless us abundantly during this time and also an opportunity to learn how to receive ministry from his heart and church. Grief may not be a time to pour out into others, but a time to receive. And of course, although I wish very much the circumstances were different, I am grateful to see God’s redemption at work, walking us deeper into his steadfast love and mystery. 

In a strange way, eternity has become more tangible. And that is a powerful hope. 

1 Chronicles 16:36 “Oh give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His steadfast love endures forever!”

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