Remain in me pt. 2

God, what do you have for me? What do you want me to do? In this place of waiting I am realizing the depth of my action based faith. I want to know how God will use me, I want to know where he'll take me. I want to know my purpose. I can't go one day without chomping at the bit.

Remain in Me.

Okay, done, now what?

No, remain in Me. 

Okay, got it! Now what?

No...remain in Me.

That is my purpose. That is my call.


Everything else will simply be an outpouring from this relationship. I begin by knowing Jesus, the Spirit. I can't work my way into that relationship.

Oswald Chamber's devotionals "My Utmost for His Highest" have been deeply challenging and nurturing to me. Here's an exerpt from today's reading:

The challenge to the missionary does not come from the fact that people are difficult to bring to salvation, that backsliders are difficult to reclaim, or that there is a barrier of callous indifference. No, the challenge comes from the perspective of the missionary's own personal relationship with Jesus Christ- "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" (Matt 9:28). Our Lord unwaveringly asks us that question, and it confronts us in every individual situation we encounter. The one great challenge to us is - do I know my risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, but foolish enough according to the wisdom of the world, to trust in what Jesus Christ has said? Or am I abandoning the great supernatural position of limitless confidence in Christ Jesus, which is really God's only call for a missionary? If I follow any other method, I depart altogether from the methods prescribed by our Lord - "All authority has been given to Me...Go therefore..." (Matt 28: 18-19).

Remain in Me.

Maybe I'm not waiting after all.

Remain in me.

There is a theme cropping up in my quiet times these days. One of vines and roots, flowers, fruit. But the focus in on the roots.

I have this little potted begonia sitting on my desk and over the weekend I noticed it had grown dramatically in one direction toward the window. Toward the sun with a gorgeous burst of orange blooms heavy on that one side. I instinctively rotated the little pot, to train it to grow straight. Later when I was listening, this image came to mind again. I've been impatient with God about wanting to know direction. And I realized that maybe this is the feeling when he's recently rotated my pot. I'm assuming it took my plant a few days to recognize the sunlight and begin its bending. It sensed the sunlight with something other than eyes. It was an energy that it takes in and leans toward.

It got me thinking about recognizing the Spirit in our lives like a plant recognizes sunlight. It may feel like we're going in all different directions at different times in our life, but the important point is that it is always toward the Son. God rotates our little pots and calls us out in a different part of ourselves, maybe, feeling like a change in direction, but the Son never moved. My little plant can't rotate itself, my own discretion has to decide when that needs to happen. I wonder if the plant worries about growing too far in one direction fearing burn out, or gets scared when the pot rotates and for a moment thinks "where's the sun?!" But this plant is so tuned in to it's desparate need of the sun that it will find it. Maybe even tuned in enough someday to feel the rotation and movement.

Remain in me.
John 15

New Season

Well, as you can see, the blog has a new look, a new name and I'm pretty excited about it. In a lot of ways it is symbolic of the new season in my life. I have completed my master's degree and for the first time in a long time, I am not a student.

I was so excited to find that the creativity that I used to have was still there after two strenuous years of grad school. Life just seems a little more vibrant these days.

I don't have a job yet and at first that was scary. What's going to happen? What am I going to be doing the week after graduation? It was the first time I had ever had a major life transition without knowing what I was moving in to. Was it going to be a winter or a spring?

But God is faithful. I know now that that is all I need to know. So I'm waiting. Waiting and praying for each step in this journey into another season. It's sort of like those couple of weeks, like right now, where the air wobbles between seasons. You can feel the fall in the air, but the afternoon is still blazing hot. At least that's how it happens here in Texas. There is a promise of change and newness if you wake up early enough to catch it. And that promise is enough to hope in.

A new season is coming. Vibrant magical autumn is on its way.

Embracing Love

I am struck by the notion that embracing Love requires much. I am unsettled. I am being deeply blessed by reading through Common Prayer daily and something scary is happening. I am faced with my own complacency, my own blind eye, my own short comings. I can't pray these prayers every day and not be challenged, and even more, be humbled. I can't feel good about my "spiritual life" knowing that I am not keenly aware of the work of the Lord around me that I am part of, or should be.


"Jesus looked on him with love and said 'one thing you lack'…" Mark 10: 21


This is part of the story of the rich young ruler who wants to follow Jesus but can't follow through on what Jesus tells him to do: Sell all he has and give it to the poor and "follow me". I have never before focused on the phrase "Jesus looked on him with love" but this jumped out at me. What an amazing thing to be challenged by Love. To be examined by Love. To be purified by Love. To be humbled by Love. To be motivated by Love.


Then yesterday I was driving and was struck with the notion that God looks on each and every single person around me, passing me in their cars, working in their businesses, people I only half-notice some of the time and will probably never see again, Jesus looks on them with love. I am not unique in that God loves me, and if I think about it for too long, any notion of pride or self efficacy in my being loved by God dissipates. God chose me. I really have no claim in the miracle of it. Each one of the people in their cars saw me – or not – as a nobody, an extra in their story. But looking at them yesterday knowing that to God they are just like me I was floored.


I've thought this before. I've thought this when wondering about salvation. There's something wrong with the debate when it is about "us and them" who gets in and who doesn't. That is a false dichotomy that I think is very well explained by Fowler's theory of faith development. With maturity comes universalizing faith (not to be confused with universalism): There is just us. All of us. No them, we are all in this together. And according to Fowler, the closest examples of Universalizing faith are Jesus, Gandhi and Mother Teresa. Following is Fowler's description of Universalized faith:

"Persons described by stage six typically exhibit qualities that shake our usual criteria of normalcy. Their heedlessness to self-preservation and the vividness of their taste and feel for transcendent moral and religious actuality give their actions and words an extraordinary and often unpredictable quality. In their devotion to universalizing compassion they may offend our parochial perceptions of justice. In their penetration through the obsession with survival, security, and significance they threaten our measured standards of righteousness and goodness and prudence. Their enlarged visions of universal community disclose the partialness of our tribes and pseudo-species. And their leadership initiatives, often involving strategies of nonviolent suffering and ultimate respect for being, constitute affronts to our usual notions of relevance."

And so I pray for the eyes to see "us". Not to be blind to the social constructs that keep people categorized and separated, but to become keenly aware of these. To see blatantly the lies that separate people by class, color, gender, religion, you-name-it. I pray to be an instrument of God's peace. And I see that this is not a fluffy feel-good prayer. This challenges me to my core.



Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me so love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not

So much seek to be consoled as to console,

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

    -St. Francis

What if…

    The first time I heard the term "Christian Universalist" was about a year ago. The first time I started thinking about the idea was about 5 years ago. In a conversation the question was posed, "What if God wanted to save everyone?" and that has stuck in my mind ever since. I did not realize this idea was one that was surfacing in Christian theological debates and kept these ponderings to myself, talking with God about them and simply daring to dream of such an incomprehensible goodness.

    I was taken aback when I began to hear other people asking the same question, realizing that this question is not a new one.

    The general whispering about these ideas seemed necessary because what if we are wrong? I've now heard the general proposition against ultimate redemption as the fear that this life will not matter if such a belief is held. Or that Christ will be minimized. "If all people will be saved, then what's the point of missions, evangelism, and general Christianity?"

    Here's the catch for me...In my mind it does not in any way make this life less important! If anything it points to our charge as the Body as all that more glorious. We are not simply saving people from an afterlife of suffering, we are ushering in the Kingdom here and now. We don't wait for heaven, we start now.

    The protestant emphasis on salvation can also be argued to make this life not matter either. Once saved, what is the point?

    But if the purpose of this life is to usher in the Kingdom, to BE Christ on this earth working toward redemption of all creation, well, that's a job now. It is all through Jesus, it is all about Jesus, and his victory. Why is this a hard pill to swallow? Must fear be a motivator? What if LOVE was the motivation behind what the Body of Christ does in this world? Perfect Love casts out fear…

    The closer I get to God, the more vast and impossible God becomes to me. Not smaller and definable. This is an impossible task. This type of Love only makes me want to do more for the God who has the ability, the passion to redeem all. A God who cares about the CREATION that God CREATED. Every life, every beautiful creature, every ugly one…

Redemption through the death of Jesus. Full, complete, beyond our comprehension and that's okay.

    I'm afraid of believing this because I'm afraid of being wrong…but why stay in fear when there is another option as freeing and fulfilling as Love? Why would I not want to do everything with the life I've been given to bring that Love to others NOW? Oh, to know the deep wide Love of Jesus. To share that Love with others is absolutely important in this life. There is grand purpose in that.

    Now, I'm no theologian, this is my heart speaking, so tear my ponderings to shreds if you must. But these are the musings of my heart at this moment, and as they have come up recently in popular culture (namely Rob Bell's new book Love Wins) I felt compelled to put these thoughts into words.

    The question for me becomes much less about the truth or heresy of the idea in question, and much more about what is this life all about, anyway? Starting there almost makes the argument for itself.

    Perhaps this is a question that our mysterious creator only knows the answer to. When we emphasize our purpose of this life rather than our eternal destination, could it be that in the end we learn to Love and trust our Father in that His Love will be just, right, and true…beyond our comprehension, whichever way it turns out.

    We do out of Love. We are transformed by the Spirit. Maybe this transformation and our obedience out of Love of our Savior is where it matters. When I grow more like my savior and more into that Love, why would I NOT be compelled to share that Love with the world? The nature of that Love would not permit me to be apathetic or disengaged from the suffering world around me. It would draw me into Loving the loveless, the hated, the ugly, the poor and suffering. It would compel me to Love the haters, the unjust, the abusers. That Love is terrifying.    

    Maybe that is why we settle for debates over the eternal destination of souls. Eternity always seems far away and that is not nearly as dreadful as confronting the Love that is present, this Love that is yearning to break into this world, and more poignantly into the heart.

Story

Spring break got kicked off to a fabulous start today with my annual Pride and Prejudice marathon. I have to watch this movie at least once a year and it never gets old. I love how this movie has been with me for so long. I remember sitting down with my family every week as each new installment of the original miniseries aired on A&E back in the 90's. I think I've watched it every year since.

You would think that this five hour long movie would get old, that I would know every aspect of it and that I would be tired of it, but instead I find that as I grow, my relationship with it changes too. I noticed this time for instance intricate family dynamics (thank you MFT training) and subtle background nuances that made me love the film even more. These characters are my friends.

Well, even though that is probably more than you want to know about my love of Pride and Prejudice, but I'm realizing how much of ourselves we read into things. My own story and life and experience is woven into my interpretation of this story that I am so familiar with. It made me think about the Bible and how each story, spanning millinia is really telling over and over again the story of God's faithfulness and love through the ages. And as I reread these stories, I realize that I have developed relationships with the stories, the characters, and the God who come alive in new ways for me during different times in my life.

God never changes, but God is infinite. We do change. The Truth doesn't change, but our relationship to it does. It is a rich and deep experience to engage these ancient stories that become so familiar that they begin to relate to our own lives. God speaks through these stories.

Because we are constantly changing, stories almost never are the same twice. And how beautiful when we realize that these stories change us too. Not only do we engage with them as we change, but they shape us in the stories we are living.

LaShay and Jakob

Well, my posts are not near as frequent as I was hoping that they would be. But I just completed a creative project that has inspired me to blog. I had the privilege to do one of my best friend's engagement photos and I just love them both so much. LaShay and I have been friends since our freshman year at Hardin-Simmons University in 2003 and I am so very happy for her and Jakob! They are seriously two of the sweetest people on the planet.

Getting to create is one of my favorite outlets for myself. Sure, I should be reading, writing papers, or some other task that is looming over my head, but taking time to do something truly fulfilling and rejuvenating will hopefully only make me more productive for the other tasks that I have to do. If I am in touch with my life source, perhaps that life will spill over into the daily activities that must be done. How often do we do things in reverse order, feeling the demands of life requiring our energy when we're not plugged into the source of that energy! Like driving a car without gas, we feel we have to run all the errands before we can go to the gas station. That doesn't make sense, and yet we think that somehow we can function differently.

I'm realizing how important it is to be connected to my Source, ultimately God, and that doing that is right and good, regardless of what the world is telling me. This feels like such a trivial point to be making, but in my chaotic life right now, it is profound.

LaShay and Jakob, thank you for letting me do this for you, and for sharing life with me, dear friends. Blessings on your engagement.

New Beginnings

The blog has a new look, my heart has a new outlook, and I hope that with this post I begin a new journey in blogging.

It is always interesting to look back on the blog and see the phases of life represented. The first posts on this blog were out of a creative flood of growth in my life. I was attuned to my heart and able to write from it. These were rich posts, and I am thankful for the record of that time.

The past few years, the posts have become fewer and further between and the content became more day to day events. Since getting back into school three years ago, I've had to function on a more efficient, surface level that could manage the demands.

I read a story recently, and as morbid as it is, I feel it is a perfect illustration of this cycle. A hiker who disappeared 25 years ago was discovered recently, his body perfectly preserved. Amazingly, he had been swallowed up by a glacier and through the turning of the ice, he surfaced again. Now, my heart is in better shape than this poor hiker, but the parallel continues in that I feel that ice has melted away, a core part of me had been buried deep within and I feared it lost forever. But through the subtle, almost imperceptible working of our mysterious God a warmth has returned to my heart, and I have been revived.

This surface level functioning has served me well the past years, but I think I'm ready to explore some new depth to myself and my faith, something transcending the busyness of everyday life, and yet not separated from it. I seek a wholeness, a transformation. I hope you will not mind my expression of this through the blog, and I hope that you will join me, beloved friend, in this strange way of walking together.

wholeness

This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. This semester, even though I am crazy busy, I am getting to do so many things that I absolutely love doing. I'm studying in school the topic I am passionate about, psychology, I've made some incredible friends through MRNA and feel very connected to the plan He has made for me, I got to ride a horse, I've been taking pictures a lot lately, I've been playing my guitar, going to the Texas Clay Fest, seeing old friends...really, I'm supposed to be too busy to be having this much fun!



In class today we talked about humanistic therapy (not as scary as it sounds!) in which one of the key points is reconnecting to parts of yourself that perhaps have been disowned or ignored for too long. I feel like this is exactly what I have been going through this semester. There's something to be said to embracing and enjoying all aspects of your personality and in doing so, realizing your uniqueness. Think of how this would effect the way we seek God's plan. I mean, God created me with all of these interests and passions that don't all go together in some perfectly patterned type. Somehow, all the random things I love come together to give me unique purpose. And the beautiful part? It's true for each and every person. No two are alike, to use the snowflake analogy.



So when you find something you become passionate about and decide, "This is it! This is what I want to do!" don't forget the dozens of other things you love or enjoy because they will only add to your unique way you will do the job you are passionate about pursuing.



I am convinced that all these parts can come together to create something beautiful.

Where I am

Well, guys, I haven't blogged in a while becuase I've been super busy. The semester is well under way, I'm working on my grad school applications, I am busy at my job, and very involved in Austin's graduate studies. Needless to say that photography and nifty projects have fallen to the wayside, but I'm hoping to get caught up on some of my school stuff this week so that I can make a little time for projects. I can't just be serious all the time!

So far we are very glad we chose to be a part of MRNA (missionary residency for North America) and have met some beautiful people and dear friends already. I'm so excited to see where this will lead. We went to ACU's Summit this week and listened to John White speak about simple church which we've heard before, but it is always a joy to be in on that conversation and watch people have thier little "ahah!" moments. It's a beautiful thing. If you ever get the chance to meet John you will be blessed. He's a man with a truly compassionate heart and in tune with the Spirit. Conversation with him is always purposeful.

So, we've settled into "The Busyness" and it's really not bad at all. I'm excited about what is ahead of us.

O Ipod How I Love Thee

Call me archaic, but I have just discovered the potential of my ipod that I have never truly appreciated until now.



podcasts!



I've been feeling really dry lately spiritually and trying to figure out (as I have been trying for quite some time) how to fit this new sort of church (or old I should say) with continuing to learn and experience God. Because in reality I truly believe that real life is where you meet Him and real life is where it matters. There are so many resources available to us as christians today and I can just download a few podcasts onto my ipod and hopefully learn a few things, maybe be encouraged and who knows.



I am amazed at the connectivity of the Church these days. How with so much information and resources available are we such a stagnant culture? Brian had a great blog entry about the fact that when something is readily available it's value goes down. It makes sense. So maybe being out in real life instead of wrapped up in a protective and gorge-yourself-on-goodness christian culture you take the little bits of truth you experience and apply them to your own story.

Maybe just knowing a little and living it out in your heart is better than knowing everything you could and doing nothing with it. Because what I've experienced is priceless to me. Nobody can take that away from me. Nobody can tell me I'm wrong.

So what if I don't experience everything in this world, maybe I'll never go to Europe or jump out of an airplane. But if I live my life to the fullest right now where I am, no one can tell me I lost.
God is so vibrant and real right now. In the little things, and I guess it's the scarcity of Him that we see in our culture (even though I beileve He's much more visible than we were taught) that makes him precious to our souls. How else can the psalmist say "My soul yearns for you like a deer for water". How can you be thirsty when you are swimming in fresh water? I want to be parched and hungry so that the sweetness of even the smallest taste of God is satisfying.

any day now...

I am going to explode. Really. It could happen at any moment. I need to create. Something's gotta happen soon. I want to write music, I want to decorate my nonexistent house, I want to talk deeply with someone over a cup of joe and let the cool tunes wash over our intimate chat and strike a chord (LOVE that phrase) in our hearts as we enjoy the infinite possibilities our young lives are plagued with.

I want to play the harp. I want to feel the deep velvet vibrations of an upright bass that speaks directly to the deepest part of my soul. I want to dance. Sing. I want the world to know there's more to me than just this face. I want to know that.

God, you are amazing. Who can fathom how deep how wide the love of God? I cannot escape it. I see you wherever I am. In the eyes of a stranger. In the greening grass and budding trees. The hint of warmth in the air. Your own breath whispering throught the trees. Oh, to know you as a tree. Tall, strong, branches raised in praise, constant acknolwedgment of you. Roots deep in truth. Steadfast through all seasons.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy praise
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

sung by flaming tongues above...

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy redeemig love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by thy help I'm come
And I hope by thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love...

Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for they courts above

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the folds of God
He to rescue me from danger
Interposed his precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let thy goodness like a feter
Bind my wandering hear to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord take and seal it
Seal it for thy courts above!

daily bread

Right now I am enjoying the wonderful satisfaction of making bread. I have only done it once before and this recipe is a little more complicated, so I'm crossing my fingers. There's nothing quite like the smell of bread baking. It's comfortable. I am fascinated by yeast. Just a little bit makes the dough triple in size. It happens organically, and in it's own time and in a very warm comfortable atmosphere. It's a very fertile alive thing.

Jesus talks about yeast worked into dough. I think this is a beautiful picture of the Body and ties together a lot of thoughts I've been having lately.

It must be nurtured and loved and requires much patience. It can't be forced, and rushing a step can ruin the dough. The yeast gives as it pleases. But let if flourish in it's own way and it is incredible how productive it is!

So with church, here are my thoughts. Hear me in love.

The Church should be not a place, but a body- an organism. Fertile, safe, productive. But so often we try to force these aspects artifically recreating them in a false invironment. So often we try to squeeze as much productivity out of the "yeast". But dough can't rise if the atmosphere is too cold or too hot, and it takes its own time. I want to see us treat eachother in the same organic way. With love, nurturing and patience so that when someone does have something to offer, it is thiers to freely give.

I get a sense of anticipation and hurry in a lot of church settings and hear lots of talk about "We gotta get this done!" But in all actuality, God is the one who will get it done. We just have to listen to his voice in our own lives and love the people around us in a way that will celebrate what we have to offer eachother and God through our services, our praise, or leading, our gifts, our money, our time, our hearts.

So the Body, and bread. Wonderfully simple and satisfying.

Five hours later...Delicious!