Killing Us Softly

Killing Us Softly is a documentary by Jean Kilbourne about advertising's effect on women. Following my current line of thought on this blog, I couldn't help being disturbed by this 30 minute film. It's a little outdated, there is a newer one, but the effect is the same. Disclaimer: there are some disturbing images in this film, but I think the shock is necessary. It's a good example of destructive creativity. How creativity has been used to distort reality and destroy the image of model womanhood.

My thought after watching this was "I'm out! Take me out of this game." It has me thinking more about some of what has been on my heart, in part, a side project that a friend and class mate and I have been mulling over for a while. The Wildflower Sisterhood. More about this later, I promise. But for now, on my mind and heart has been again the desire to engage creativity. What is constructive creativity? What is pure creative energy of the creator God? How is creativity and creation part of renewal for women? What is true beauty and creation?

Here are a few verses that I am reminded of:

Romans 12:1-3 (NIV)

A Living Sacrifice

 ¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Galatians 6:14-16 (NIV)

¹⁴ May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which^[a] the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. ¹⁵ Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation. ¹⁶ Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule—to^[b] the Israel of God.

What is beauty and creativity that reflects truth: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self Control.

When I think about these attributes of the Spirit, I realize that they are mostly what our culture considers feminine qualities, and these are qualities that are grossly devalued. These are distorted and forced upon women in our culture by dominant masculinity. But the fruit of the Spirit is not just for women, and by no means to be forced on anyone. They are fruit.
I almost feel a fear of embracing the Spirit, worried about how gentleness and kindness is taken advantage of in our culture. But is this not the story of Christianity, of people like martyrs, saints. People like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Cesar Chavez, Mother Theresa. Truly beautiful people who gently, kindly, boldly and selflessly stood up and said "this is wrong".

I want to take myself out of the game. I'm not playing anymore. The beauty and creativity I long for is a new thing, unacceptable in my world. I want to engage creativity.

Gender and Friendship

I have run across several interesting blog posts on this topic lately and it is definitely a topic of interest for me. Christians have a tendency to avoid opposite gender friendships for reasons such as "Temptation is always there" and this sense that sex or affairs just accidentally happen. I've always been troubled by the way that this is handled and let me tell you why it bothers me so much. 

Men in our churches are raised thinking that they are to fear their hypersexuality, and women are raised thinking that they are a temptation. Not to mention that women are often represented as passive participants in sex in general. 

Women in church leadership is also a matter close to my heart and this is one huge obstacle I see between women truly being free to follow a call to ministry in many denominations. If men have been taught that they can't trust themselves to be in close proximity to a woman, and that woman is thought of as the temptress  then how can men in leadership risk letting women into these leadership circles? 

There is such a big gender barrier in the church (I know this does not apply to every denomination or expression of the church, but living in a conservative town, it is quite relevant).

I also feel that these boundaries seem to ignore single people. How cruel to permit the deepest intimacy to married couples alone? I'm not talking about intercourse, I'm talking about intimacy. Singles in our churches get the short end of the stick already, and so much of this is because intimacy is kept for the institution of marriage. Intimacy in the church is rather lacking already, and we are called to a very high standard of intimacy if you ask me. Love 1 Corinthians 13 style is not just for married people, this is the church's standard. 

Are there risks in intimacy? Sure there are. But this is where I think we've lost a bit of the vision of what intimacy in the church is like and how it could function.

I am finishing my master's in marriage and family therapy and one of the things we discuss in supervision and classes is the reality of attraction. We acknowledge that attraction WILL happen, that we as therapists/humans/men/women are not immune or above attraction. And yet, this empowers us to be able to enter into intimate relationship with men and women, eyes open, and most importantly encourages us to have a supportive community to turn to when (not if) the situation arises. It is risky. Sure. But, I'm thinking about the church as an intimate community of accountability, one where we don't have secrets, one that "always protects". It is absolutely necessary to have our eyes open to the fact that attraction happens, but that in itself is 1) natural, 2) not the sin. It's the next action you take that matters.  I am thinking about challenging marriages to rise to the challenge. Why limit intimacy outside of marriage and keep marriage at the level it is at? Why not enrich and strengthen your marriage as the safeguard instead? Don’t put yourself in a position where you are handling the inevitable on your own.  Don't avoid intimacy keeping your marriage the same, instead bolster your marriage, open communication and intimacy with your church and if applicable, your spouse. Singles, you are worthy of intimacy. Being brothers and sisters in Christ is a deep intimacy. This is a challenge to the type of spiritual community the church should be. We’ve got to get past the taboo that sexual attraction doesn’t happen to real Christians. We are sexual beings. Attraction happens. Being married doesn’t make you go blind. Being married does not make you unattractive either.

What matters is having an intimate community that is living out love for each other. None of us should place ourselves in any situation thinking we can handle it on our own. The church is a community, and our faith is way too individualized in our society.  If you don’t have a community that you could be so vulnerable with as to admit attraction for the sake of support and protection, maybe it is too risky. We western Christians try to do way too much on our own.

If I ever feel like harboring a secret, that's a pretty good sign that I should bring my spiritual community in on this. Secrecy is a very powerful thing. Have the conversation with your spouse about attraction being a reality. Have the conversation with your church about intimacy and attraction. 

So much is lost in the segregation of gender in the church. Is it worth the challenge of 1 Corinthians 13?

A couple of blogs on the topic:

Meredith Efkin

 Richard Beck

Dan Brennan