Remain in me pt. 2

God, what do you have for me? What do you want me to do? In this place of waiting I am realizing the depth of my action based faith. I want to know how God will use me, I want to know where he'll take me. I want to know my purpose. I can't go one day without chomping at the bit.

Remain in Me.

Okay, done, now what?

No, remain in Me. 

Okay, got it! Now what?

No...remain in Me.

That is my purpose. That is my call.


Everything else will simply be an outpouring from this relationship. I begin by knowing Jesus, the Spirit. I can't work my way into that relationship.

Oswald Chamber's devotionals "My Utmost for His Highest" have been deeply challenging and nurturing to me. Here's an exerpt from today's reading:

The challenge to the missionary does not come from the fact that people are difficult to bring to salvation, that backsliders are difficult to reclaim, or that there is a barrier of callous indifference. No, the challenge comes from the perspective of the missionary's own personal relationship with Jesus Christ- "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" (Matt 9:28). Our Lord unwaveringly asks us that question, and it confronts us in every individual situation we encounter. The one great challenge to us is - do I know my risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, but foolish enough according to the wisdom of the world, to trust in what Jesus Christ has said? Or am I abandoning the great supernatural position of limitless confidence in Christ Jesus, which is really God's only call for a missionary? If I follow any other method, I depart altogether from the methods prescribed by our Lord - "All authority has been given to Me...Go therefore..." (Matt 28: 18-19).

Remain in Me.

Maybe I'm not waiting after all.

Remain in me.

There is a theme cropping up in my quiet times these days. One of vines and roots, flowers, fruit. But the focus in on the roots.

I have this little potted begonia sitting on my desk and over the weekend I noticed it had grown dramatically in one direction toward the window. Toward the sun with a gorgeous burst of orange blooms heavy on that one side. I instinctively rotated the little pot, to train it to grow straight. Later when I was listening, this image came to mind again. I've been impatient with God about wanting to know direction. And I realized that maybe this is the feeling when he's recently rotated my pot. I'm assuming it took my plant a few days to recognize the sunlight and begin its bending. It sensed the sunlight with something other than eyes. It was an energy that it takes in and leans toward.

It got me thinking about recognizing the Spirit in our lives like a plant recognizes sunlight. It may feel like we're going in all different directions at different times in our life, but the important point is that it is always toward the Son. God rotates our little pots and calls us out in a different part of ourselves, maybe, feeling like a change in direction, but the Son never moved. My little plant can't rotate itself, my own discretion has to decide when that needs to happen. I wonder if the plant worries about growing too far in one direction fearing burn out, or gets scared when the pot rotates and for a moment thinks "where's the sun?!" But this plant is so tuned in to it's desparate need of the sun that it will find it. Maybe even tuned in enough someday to feel the rotation and movement.

Remain in me.
John 15

Killing Us Softly

Killing Us Softly is a documentary by Jean Kilbourne about advertising's effect on women. Following my current line of thought on this blog, I couldn't help being disturbed by this 30 minute film. It's a little outdated, there is a newer one, but the effect is the same. Disclaimer: there are some disturbing images in this film, but I think the shock is necessary. It's a good example of destructive creativity. How creativity has been used to distort reality and destroy the image of model womanhood.

My thought after watching this was "I'm out! Take me out of this game." It has me thinking more about some of what has been on my heart, in part, a side project that a friend and class mate and I have been mulling over for a while. The Wildflower Sisterhood. More about this later, I promise. But for now, on my mind and heart has been again the desire to engage creativity. What is constructive creativity? What is pure creative energy of the creator God? How is creativity and creation part of renewal for women? What is true beauty and creation?

Here are a few verses that I am reminded of:

Romans 12:1-3 (NIV)

A Living Sacrifice

 ¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Galatians 6:14-16 (NIV)

¹⁴ May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which^[a] the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. ¹⁵ Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation. ¹⁶ Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule—to^[b] the Israel of God.

What is beauty and creativity that reflects truth: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self Control.

When I think about these attributes of the Spirit, I realize that they are mostly what our culture considers feminine qualities, and these are qualities that are grossly devalued. These are distorted and forced upon women in our culture by dominant masculinity. But the fruit of the Spirit is not just for women, and by no means to be forced on anyone. They are fruit.
I almost feel a fear of embracing the Spirit, worried about how gentleness and kindness is taken advantage of in our culture. But is this not the story of Christianity, of people like martyrs, saints. People like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Cesar Chavez, Mother Theresa. Truly beautiful people who gently, kindly, boldly and selflessly stood up and said "this is wrong".

I want to take myself out of the game. I'm not playing anymore. The beauty and creativity I long for is a new thing, unacceptable in my world. I want to engage creativity.

Gender and Friendship

I have run across several interesting blog posts on this topic lately and it is definitely a topic of interest for me. Christians have a tendency to avoid opposite gender friendships for reasons such as "Temptation is always there" and this sense that sex or affairs just accidentally happen. I've always been troubled by the way that this is handled and let me tell you why it bothers me so much. 

Men in our churches are raised thinking that they are to fear their hypersexuality, and women are raised thinking that they are a temptation. Not to mention that women are often represented as passive participants in sex in general. 

Women in church leadership is also a matter close to my heart and this is one huge obstacle I see between women truly being free to follow a call to ministry in many denominations. If men have been taught that they can't trust themselves to be in close proximity to a woman, and that woman is thought of as the temptress  then how can men in leadership risk letting women into these leadership circles? 

There is such a big gender barrier in the church (I know this does not apply to every denomination or expression of the church, but living in a conservative town, it is quite relevant).

I also feel that these boundaries seem to ignore single people. How cruel to permit the deepest intimacy to married couples alone? I'm not talking about intercourse, I'm talking about intimacy. Singles in our churches get the short end of the stick already, and so much of this is because intimacy is kept for the institution of marriage. Intimacy in the church is rather lacking already, and we are called to a very high standard of intimacy if you ask me. Love 1 Corinthians 13 style is not just for married people, this is the church's standard. 

Are there risks in intimacy? Sure there are. But this is where I think we've lost a bit of the vision of what intimacy in the church is like and how it could function.

I am finishing my master's in marriage and family therapy and one of the things we discuss in supervision and classes is the reality of attraction. We acknowledge that attraction WILL happen, that we as therapists/humans/men/women are not immune or above attraction. And yet, this empowers us to be able to enter into intimate relationship with men and women, eyes open, and most importantly encourages us to have a supportive community to turn to when (not if) the situation arises. It is risky. Sure. But, I'm thinking about the church as an intimate community of accountability, one where we don't have secrets, one that "always protects". It is absolutely necessary to have our eyes open to the fact that attraction happens, but that in itself is 1) natural, 2) not the sin. It's the next action you take that matters.  I am thinking about challenging marriages to rise to the challenge. Why limit intimacy outside of marriage and keep marriage at the level it is at? Why not enrich and strengthen your marriage as the safeguard instead? Don’t put yourself in a position where you are handling the inevitable on your own.  Don't avoid intimacy keeping your marriage the same, instead bolster your marriage, open communication and intimacy with your church and if applicable, your spouse. Singles, you are worthy of intimacy. Being brothers and sisters in Christ is a deep intimacy. This is a challenge to the type of spiritual community the church should be. We’ve got to get past the taboo that sexual attraction doesn’t happen to real Christians. We are sexual beings. Attraction happens. Being married doesn’t make you go blind. Being married does not make you unattractive either.

What matters is having an intimate community that is living out love for each other. None of us should place ourselves in any situation thinking we can handle it on our own. The church is a community, and our faith is way too individualized in our society.  If you don’t have a community that you could be so vulnerable with as to admit attraction for the sake of support and protection, maybe it is too risky. We western Christians try to do way too much on our own.

If I ever feel like harboring a secret, that's a pretty good sign that I should bring my spiritual community in on this. Secrecy is a very powerful thing. Have the conversation with your spouse about attraction being a reality. Have the conversation with your church about intimacy and attraction. 

So much is lost in the segregation of gender in the church. Is it worth the challenge of 1 Corinthians 13?

A couple of blogs on the topic:

Meredith Efkin

 Richard Beck

Dan Brennan

Embracing Love

I am struck by the notion that embracing Love requires much. I am unsettled. I am being deeply blessed by reading through Common Prayer daily and something scary is happening. I am faced with my own complacency, my own blind eye, my own short comings. I can't pray these prayers every day and not be challenged, and even more, be humbled. I can't feel good about my "spiritual life" knowing that I am not keenly aware of the work of the Lord around me that I am part of, or should be.


"Jesus looked on him with love and said 'one thing you lack'…" Mark 10: 21


This is part of the story of the rich young ruler who wants to follow Jesus but can't follow through on what Jesus tells him to do: Sell all he has and give it to the poor and "follow me". I have never before focused on the phrase "Jesus looked on him with love" but this jumped out at me. What an amazing thing to be challenged by Love. To be examined by Love. To be purified by Love. To be humbled by Love. To be motivated by Love.


Then yesterday I was driving and was struck with the notion that God looks on each and every single person around me, passing me in their cars, working in their businesses, people I only half-notice some of the time and will probably never see again, Jesus looks on them with love. I am not unique in that God loves me, and if I think about it for too long, any notion of pride or self efficacy in my being loved by God dissipates. God chose me. I really have no claim in the miracle of it. Each one of the people in their cars saw me – or not – as a nobody, an extra in their story. But looking at them yesterday knowing that to God they are just like me I was floored.


I've thought this before. I've thought this when wondering about salvation. There's something wrong with the debate when it is about "us and them" who gets in and who doesn't. That is a false dichotomy that I think is very well explained by Fowler's theory of faith development. With maturity comes universalizing faith (not to be confused with universalism): There is just us. All of us. No them, we are all in this together. And according to Fowler, the closest examples of Universalizing faith are Jesus, Gandhi and Mother Teresa. Following is Fowler's description of Universalized faith:

"Persons described by stage six typically exhibit qualities that shake our usual criteria of normalcy. Their heedlessness to self-preservation and the vividness of their taste and feel for transcendent moral and religious actuality give their actions and words an extraordinary and often unpredictable quality. In their devotion to universalizing compassion they may offend our parochial perceptions of justice. In their penetration through the obsession with survival, security, and significance they threaten our measured standards of righteousness and goodness and prudence. Their enlarged visions of universal community disclose the partialness of our tribes and pseudo-species. And their leadership initiatives, often involving strategies of nonviolent suffering and ultimate respect for being, constitute affronts to our usual notions of relevance."

And so I pray for the eyes to see "us". Not to be blind to the social constructs that keep people categorized and separated, but to become keenly aware of these. To see blatantly the lies that separate people by class, color, gender, religion, you-name-it. I pray to be an instrument of God's peace. And I see that this is not a fluffy feel-good prayer. This challenges me to my core.



Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me so love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not

So much seek to be consoled as to console,

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

    -St. Francis

What if…

    The first time I heard the term "Christian Universalist" was about a year ago. The first time I started thinking about the idea was about 5 years ago. In a conversation the question was posed, "What if God wanted to save everyone?" and that has stuck in my mind ever since. I did not realize this idea was one that was surfacing in Christian theological debates and kept these ponderings to myself, talking with God about them and simply daring to dream of such an incomprehensible goodness.

    I was taken aback when I began to hear other people asking the same question, realizing that this question is not a new one.

    The general whispering about these ideas seemed necessary because what if we are wrong? I've now heard the general proposition against ultimate redemption as the fear that this life will not matter if such a belief is held. Or that Christ will be minimized. "If all people will be saved, then what's the point of missions, evangelism, and general Christianity?"

    Here's the catch for me...In my mind it does not in any way make this life less important! If anything it points to our charge as the Body as all that more glorious. We are not simply saving people from an afterlife of suffering, we are ushering in the Kingdom here and now. We don't wait for heaven, we start now.

    The protestant emphasis on salvation can also be argued to make this life not matter either. Once saved, what is the point?

    But if the purpose of this life is to usher in the Kingdom, to BE Christ on this earth working toward redemption of all creation, well, that's a job now. It is all through Jesus, it is all about Jesus, and his victory. Why is this a hard pill to swallow? Must fear be a motivator? What if LOVE was the motivation behind what the Body of Christ does in this world? Perfect Love casts out fear…

    The closer I get to God, the more vast and impossible God becomes to me. Not smaller and definable. This is an impossible task. This type of Love only makes me want to do more for the God who has the ability, the passion to redeem all. A God who cares about the CREATION that God CREATED. Every life, every beautiful creature, every ugly one…

Redemption through the death of Jesus. Full, complete, beyond our comprehension and that's okay.

    I'm afraid of believing this because I'm afraid of being wrong…but why stay in fear when there is another option as freeing and fulfilling as Love? Why would I not want to do everything with the life I've been given to bring that Love to others NOW? Oh, to know the deep wide Love of Jesus. To share that Love with others is absolutely important in this life. There is grand purpose in that.

    Now, I'm no theologian, this is my heart speaking, so tear my ponderings to shreds if you must. But these are the musings of my heart at this moment, and as they have come up recently in popular culture (namely Rob Bell's new book Love Wins) I felt compelled to put these thoughts into words.

    The question for me becomes much less about the truth or heresy of the idea in question, and much more about what is this life all about, anyway? Starting there almost makes the argument for itself.

    Perhaps this is a question that our mysterious creator only knows the answer to. When we emphasize our purpose of this life rather than our eternal destination, could it be that in the end we learn to Love and trust our Father in that His Love will be just, right, and true…beyond our comprehension, whichever way it turns out.

    We do out of Love. We are transformed by the Spirit. Maybe this transformation and our obedience out of Love of our Savior is where it matters. When I grow more like my savior and more into that Love, why would I NOT be compelled to share that Love with the world? The nature of that Love would not permit me to be apathetic or disengaged from the suffering world around me. It would draw me into Loving the loveless, the hated, the ugly, the poor and suffering. It would compel me to Love the haters, the unjust, the abusers. That Love is terrifying.    

    Maybe that is why we settle for debates over the eternal destination of souls. Eternity always seems far away and that is not nearly as dreadful as confronting the Love that is present, this Love that is yearning to break into this world, and more poignantly into the heart.

Important conversation

This week at ACU was Summit. I got to hear Shane Claiborne speak and it was challenging and very inspiring. If you haven't read Irresistible Revolution, you should. There is an important theme of justice and reconciliation that has become very close to my heart
For me specifically, there is this desire in my heart for reconciliation of women and the church. My friend Olivia participated in a conversation at Summit that I am so thankful was being had. It is a painful conversation, and honestly I did not think it would hurt as much as it did to listen to it. But I wanted to share this podcast and ask you to listen to their stories, these women in ministry, and the struggles that they have endured to follow the call in their hearts:

She is Called

I can relate to these women in a lot of ways. I cried listening to them openly and honestly express the pain they have felt because I have felt that pain too.

Thank you, Summit, for allowing this conversation to be. Thank you Olivia for your honesty. God, bring reconciliation to your church.

New Beginnings

The blog has a new look, my heart has a new outlook, and I hope that with this post I begin a new journey in blogging.

It is always interesting to look back on the blog and see the phases of life represented. The first posts on this blog were out of a creative flood of growth in my life. I was attuned to my heart and able to write from it. These were rich posts, and I am thankful for the record of that time.

The past few years, the posts have become fewer and further between and the content became more day to day events. Since getting back into school three years ago, I've had to function on a more efficient, surface level that could manage the demands.

I read a story recently, and as morbid as it is, I feel it is a perfect illustration of this cycle. A hiker who disappeared 25 years ago was discovered recently, his body perfectly preserved. Amazingly, he had been swallowed up by a glacier and through the turning of the ice, he surfaced again. Now, my heart is in better shape than this poor hiker, but the parallel continues in that I feel that ice has melted away, a core part of me had been buried deep within and I feared it lost forever. But through the subtle, almost imperceptible working of our mysterious God a warmth has returned to my heart, and I have been revived.

This surface level functioning has served me well the past years, but I think I'm ready to explore some new depth to myself and my faith, something transcending the busyness of everyday life, and yet not separated from it. I seek a wholeness, a transformation. I hope you will not mind my expression of this through the blog, and I hope that you will join me, beloved friend, in this strange way of walking together.

wholeness

This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. This semester, even though I am crazy busy, I am getting to do so many things that I absolutely love doing. I'm studying in school the topic I am passionate about, psychology, I've made some incredible friends through MRNA and feel very connected to the plan He has made for me, I got to ride a horse, I've been taking pictures a lot lately, I've been playing my guitar, going to the Texas Clay Fest, seeing old friends...really, I'm supposed to be too busy to be having this much fun!



In class today we talked about humanistic therapy (not as scary as it sounds!) in which one of the key points is reconnecting to parts of yourself that perhaps have been disowned or ignored for too long. I feel like this is exactly what I have been going through this semester. There's something to be said to embracing and enjoying all aspects of your personality and in doing so, realizing your uniqueness. Think of how this would effect the way we seek God's plan. I mean, God created me with all of these interests and passions that don't all go together in some perfectly patterned type. Somehow, all the random things I love come together to give me unique purpose. And the beautiful part? It's true for each and every person. No two are alike, to use the snowflake analogy.



So when you find something you become passionate about and decide, "This is it! This is what I want to do!" don't forget the dozens of other things you love or enjoy because they will only add to your unique way you will do the job you are passionate about pursuing.



I am convinced that all these parts can come together to create something beautiful.

Workin' Girl!

Hey all! I got a job! Cool story:

I decided that I needed to find a job since my hours weren't going to be too crazy in school next semester. I started looking and was having a terrible time trying to find one that a) I wanted to do and b)was part time c) I was qualified for. So I started praying and simply said, "God I really wish I could find something to do with counseling,"

And the very next ad I saw was for a part time position as receptionist at a local counseling clinic. I couldn't believe it. So the next day I wrote and turned in my resume and got called for an interview...one thing lead to another and today I had my second interview and I got the job! And even better, I start tomorrow! Crazy huh?

I am so totally excited because this job is right in line with my career plans and I'm going to learn so much about the insurance/paperwork side of professional counseling. This is such a God thing.

My sister has helped me so much too, because she's gone shopping with me twice to find some decent clothes for my new job. You have to remember my last job was at a pottery. There was no dress code. It is way super fun to have an excuse to get some nice looking clothes! Yay!

I know there will be days when the excitement has worn off and I will really wish I didn't have to go to work that day, but I know this has all happened because of God, and I know that I can handle it and school with His help.

It makes me feel like I am on the right path. One more affirmation towards this whole marriage and family therapy thing. Thanks, Jesus!

...5678 Integrate!

I am not so much learning new things as I am realizing the things I've already learned. I think that's what I love so much about psychology in the first place is that it puts words to the experiences we have. Reminds me of how beautiful we are. At first I didn't really understand how this class would work: Integration of Psychology and Christian Theology. I thought it would be, okay so you want to be a psychologist, and you are a Christian. So how are you a Christian psychologist?

But that's not it at all. What I mean is, that's not the question being asked or answered. In fact, not many questions are being answered at all. But that's just it isn't it? The whole big amazing thing: Questions are good. Answers don't always matter. It's the journey your questions take you on that matter.

I highly recommend looking at a couple of theories on faith development.

First, read Kohlberg's stages of moral development. I can't believe I'm linking you to wikipedia, but it's simple.

Next, check out William Perry's scheme of intellectual development.

And lastly, James Fowler and his stages of faith development.

I know, I know, I'm in a whole class to learn about this stuff, but it's really interesting.

Now, what stages do you see yourself at? What stages do you see the church (as a collective whole) at? This challenged me in so many ways. Where could I be at? Where should the church be?

Anyway, I don't even know if anyone still reads this blog, and I know this one is not all wrapped up neat and pretty with a bow around it, so I guess this is a thinker post. Hopefully it will spark something in you as it did me. I'm not going to spell it out. We do too much of that.

So psychology and theology. What do they have in common? are they really that different from each other? After all psyche means soul, and psychology is literally the study of the soul. Should we as Christians pay more attention to psychology? Why? Why not?

The Incredible Exploding Brain

That's going to be the headline when my brain cannot possibly handle any more of this crazy "Integration" stuff. I can't get my mind around it all. So I have to reflect.

Yesterday, the consensus was that truth is relational.


Today we looked at human nature. And I had no idea that it was going to be an intense lesson in triune theology. I learned more about trinitarian theology in this six hours of my class than I ever have in 23 years of going to church. Without even getting into it, becuase I couldn't possibly regurgitate it at this point, I want to simply encourage you to dig deep into some good ol' trinitarian theology. I don't know where to tell you to start, but maybe I'll have more tomorrow.

So, the very nature of God is relational. To quote Kierkegaard, "God is the relationship that is perfectly related to himself."

And so what does it mean to be made in the image of God?

Here's what I wrote in class:

Physically, not sure, but the ability to love as God is love is in our abilities. To purposefully actively share in mutual compassion as a community through relationship as in the Trinity. I would dare to say that relationship is the image of God, and striving for singularity and individualism, one man alone does not represent the image of God.

So, truth is relational, God is relational, and human nature is
relational.

Truth

What is truth? What a question! I spent three and a half hours today in class trying to figure it out. And the basic answer was that truth is relational. There's nothing truer in my life than relationship with others and with God.

LaFevre said that Truth is relational, based upon a relationship between the perceiver and the perceived, and the relationship of a community of perceivers.

So basically there are four requirements for knowing truth:

1) Revelation = from perceived to perceiver...objective reality
2) Reception = by perceiver of perceived...subjective reality
3) Relation = between perceiver and perceived
4) Reconstruction = between receivers of a common perception

I really liked seeing this and if anything, looking at where I stand and how I perceive truth.

So this answers a lot of questions people ask me about the postmodern Christianity. How do you find truth? Revelation, and relationship with God. How do you recieve truth? Being open to revelation from the Revealer. What about accountability? Relationship, again with God and with a community of faith. Why postmodern? The willingness and ability to reconstruct our faith. To give it back to God. An openness to admiting fault and willingness to change accordingly.

I'd love to hear some ideas. What is truth?

to picture faith as a living relationship is to emphasize that it is not something achieved and settled once and for all. As the self must contiually grow, change, choose, and become, so faith is not so much an old possession as a continually renewed association. Faith, too, must ever grow and mature, meet its challenges and respond to them with renewed affirmation.
Excerpt from A Layman's Introduction to Religious Existentialism by Eugine B Borowitz

Turn turn turn...

Austin and I were talking last night about how things are turning out and wondering to ourselves, "what's next?" when Austin said, "Isn't it wierd to think that this is next? That when we were living in Austin we wondered what would be next and now here we are," That blew my mind. We are so quick to move on to the next.

The past us never imagined that we would go from being employed at a pottery (which the past- past us never imagined!) and fellowshiping with a house church to moving back to Abilene with high hopes of grad school, jobs and grand adventures. But here we are. I'm in school, Austin starts in the fall, we're moving into a little rent house, got new computers, sold pottery at the coolest coffee shop in town and so much more. I mean, these are the things you could never plan. I think it is important to remember where you come from. And not to worry so much about where you are going becuase if He's leading you, you'll get there. We're entering into a very hectic crazy time in our lives as young married college/grad students with jobs (well, i'm still looking). We're really going to need God's strength and wisdom and guidance for this time. But all of it is made so sweet by this excitement of new opportunity. It's gonna be a ride!

And speaking of change, isn't it amazing how everything seems to happen at once? I'm afraid that I might need to sell my car sometime soon, so please be praying that we do the right thing at the right time.

New jobs, new degrees, new cars, new house (rent!), new fellowship, new...

...and yet the old remains a part of you forever. Not a day goes by that I don't think of the people and things I loved in Austin. I am who I am becuase of them! So if any of you are reading this, know that you are all so deeply seeded in my heart, and I pray for you often with joy. Paul said it best...

3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of
you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the
first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in
you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7It
is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart;
for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you
share in God's grace with me. 8God can testify how I long for all of you with
the affection of Christ Jesus.
9And this is my prayer: that your love
may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be
able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of
Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus
Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Congratulations to Russell and Suzy on the arrival of Ryan West. I can't wait to meet you!

House Hunt

Well, it fell through. But praise God for an answer! I mean, we prayed that he would place us where he wants us, and that's what we're banking on. I'm glad he made the decision for us. So we're back on the hunt, searching the real estate listings and praying.

On a more encouraging note, Austin is getting really excited about grad school! How cool that he's in! That was another answer to prayer, and now we'll just let God keep working out all the details. And believe me. There are many.

I'm getting ready to start my application process for grad school also. I won't be applying until next January, but I want to use as much of my slower summer days as I can to work on it. I believe it is a somewhat involved process. If we stay on track like we are right now, then the next few years will be crazy and go something like this:

May '09 I graduate from undergrad with my BS in psychology

May '10 Austin graduates with MA in missions

May '11 I graduate with a master's in marriage and family therapy

People are going to be like, are the Brown's done graduation already?

I really like school! I love what I'm learning and I love where it's taking me. It's amazing what it's like when you finally find THE perfect fit for you. Actually, I can't take the credit, because if I hadn't met Austin, married him and moved away, I never would have found the path I'm on. So God knows better than I. How many times I've heard it, how many times I've had to be reminded that God is good.

another day

I am happy today. Austin and I took a walk this morning in a random neighborhood, and had a wonderful conversation that was long overdue. We talked. The way husbands and wives are supposed to talk. About everything, the big things, the little things, the deepest fears and longings of our hearts. There is so much going on under the surface in people. Even my own husband surprises me sometimes. We are so together, we forget to talk.

I feel like that is such an easy thing to do. I mean, I married him to be my closest friend, my intimate confidant. And yet we've come to a place as all people do, where we forget to invest in each other as separate people. Today was a day for that. We talked. It's a nice thing.

I've been thinking a lot about what I used to have before we moved. We had a group of people who were so very strongly devoted to Jesus in their daily lives that they never ceased to amaze me. They loved us even if we had nothing in common. They taught me so much about love and living a righteous life. It's the little things that matter. They were so far beyond trying to be an attractive "church". They simply loved all around them and that was extremely contagious.

I miss that. How do I be that now? Be praying for us as we seek His will.


Later that day...

I had an absolute blast at Art Walk! If you don't go, you should. I saw some great art, great friends, heard some great music (special shout out to the amazing gospel choir that was singing all evening!) and really fed a part of my soul that I have neglected for a while.

What a great day!

An Excerpt from The Sacred Depth of Nature

by Ursula Goodenough

So we arrive here at what is, for many, the heart of it all. If there is a major tension between an approach like religious naturalism and the monotheistic traditions, it centers on the question of whether or not one believes in a personal god. Most people raised in the context of theistic traditions would probably say that "being religious" means "believing in God." Indeed, when reminded that personal gods are not inherent in such systems as Buddhism or Taoism, they would likely question whether these traditions are really religions and not something else, like philosophies.
For me, and probably for all of us, the concept of a personal, interested god can be appealing, often deeply so. In times of sorrow or despair, I often wonder what it would be like to be able to pray to God or Allah or Jehovah or Mary and believe that I was heard, believe that my petition might be answered. When I sing the hymns of faith in Jesus' love, I am drawn by their intimacy, their allure, their poetry. But in the end, such faith is simply not available to me. I can't do it. I lack the resources to render my capacity for love and my need to be loved to supernatural Beings. And so I have no choice but to pour these capacities and needs into earthly relationships, fragile and mortal and difficult as they often are.
Theism versus Non-Theism. The choice has been presented to us as saved versus damned, holy versus heathen. But when I talk to thoughtful theists, I encounter not a polarity but a spectrum. Belief and faith in supernatural Being(s), when deeply wrought, are as intensely personal and individual and dynamic as our earthly relationships. They add another dimension, another opportunity for relationship, to be sure. But those of us incapable of embracing that dimension remain flooded with opportunities to open ourselves to human relationship and hence to fill our lives with the religious experience of love.

I heard this quote on the radio program "Speaking of Faith" and the topic was Exploring a new Humanism (see above link). It struck me that we are not so different. Our deep yearning for intimacy with God speaks to all humanity. I was moved by Ursula's words that painted a vivid image of the journey to athiesm or humanism. As a follower of Jesus, I am blessed to have the intimacy with God that she so desires and in His example, the intimacy through human relationship that is so often seen as secondary in our Christian walk. But I think this reminds me that our human relationships are where we live it out. Obviously it is where we love. A solitary faith does little for humanity, and frankly I see nothing about Jesus' example that says we are to be isolated. There are good people wanting good things, wanting love. Love. And God is that source.
As a Christian it is so easy to remain ignorant of other people's views and beliefs. Is it out of fear that it will challenge and crush our own beliefs? If so, do we really believe? What I know in my heart and the relationship that I have with God keeps me steady. He is my Rock. I trust in Him. The experience that I have had cannot be changed, and I am willing to go out and walk with others on their journeys.

O Ipod How I Love Thee

Call me archaic, but I have just discovered the potential of my ipod that I have never truly appreciated until now.



podcasts!



I've been feeling really dry lately spiritually and trying to figure out (as I have been trying for quite some time) how to fit this new sort of church (or old I should say) with continuing to learn and experience God. Because in reality I truly believe that real life is where you meet Him and real life is where it matters. There are so many resources available to us as christians today and I can just download a few podcasts onto my ipod and hopefully learn a few things, maybe be encouraged and who knows.



I am amazed at the connectivity of the Church these days. How with so much information and resources available are we such a stagnant culture? Brian had a great blog entry about the fact that when something is readily available it's value goes down. It makes sense. So maybe being out in real life instead of wrapped up in a protective and gorge-yourself-on-goodness christian culture you take the little bits of truth you experience and apply them to your own story.

Maybe just knowing a little and living it out in your heart is better than knowing everything you could and doing nothing with it. Because what I've experienced is priceless to me. Nobody can take that away from me. Nobody can tell me I'm wrong.

So what if I don't experience everything in this world, maybe I'll never go to Europe or jump out of an airplane. But if I live my life to the fullest right now where I am, no one can tell me I lost.
God is so vibrant and real right now. In the little things, and I guess it's the scarcity of Him that we see in our culture (even though I beileve He's much more visible than we were taught) that makes him precious to our souls. How else can the psalmist say "My soul yearns for you like a deer for water". How can you be thirsty when you are swimming in fresh water? I want to be parched and hungry so that the sweetness of even the smallest taste of God is satisfying.

any day now...

I am going to explode. Really. It could happen at any moment. I need to create. Something's gotta happen soon. I want to write music, I want to decorate my nonexistent house, I want to talk deeply with someone over a cup of joe and let the cool tunes wash over our intimate chat and strike a chord (LOVE that phrase) in our hearts as we enjoy the infinite possibilities our young lives are plagued with.

I want to play the harp. I want to feel the deep velvet vibrations of an upright bass that speaks directly to the deepest part of my soul. I want to dance. Sing. I want the world to know there's more to me than just this face. I want to know that.

God, you are amazing. Who can fathom how deep how wide the love of God? I cannot escape it. I see you wherever I am. In the eyes of a stranger. In the greening grass and budding trees. The hint of warmth in the air. Your own breath whispering throught the trees. Oh, to know you as a tree. Tall, strong, branches raised in praise, constant acknolwedgment of you. Roots deep in truth. Steadfast through all seasons.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing thy praise
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

sung by flaming tongues above...

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it
Mount of thy redeemig love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by thy help I'm come
And I hope by thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love...

Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for they courts above

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the folds of God
He to rescue me from danger
Interposed his precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let thy goodness like a feter
Bind my wandering hear to thee

Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord take and seal it
Seal it for thy courts above!

daily bread

Right now I am enjoying the wonderful satisfaction of making bread. I have only done it once before and this recipe is a little more complicated, so I'm crossing my fingers. There's nothing quite like the smell of bread baking. It's comfortable. I am fascinated by yeast. Just a little bit makes the dough triple in size. It happens organically, and in it's own time and in a very warm comfortable atmosphere. It's a very fertile alive thing.

Jesus talks about yeast worked into dough. I think this is a beautiful picture of the Body and ties together a lot of thoughts I've been having lately.

It must be nurtured and loved and requires much patience. It can't be forced, and rushing a step can ruin the dough. The yeast gives as it pleases. But let if flourish in it's own way and it is incredible how productive it is!

So with church, here are my thoughts. Hear me in love.

The Church should be not a place, but a body- an organism. Fertile, safe, productive. But so often we try to force these aspects artifically recreating them in a false invironment. So often we try to squeeze as much productivity out of the "yeast". But dough can't rise if the atmosphere is too cold or too hot, and it takes its own time. I want to see us treat eachother in the same organic way. With love, nurturing and patience so that when someone does have something to offer, it is thiers to freely give.

I get a sense of anticipation and hurry in a lot of church settings and hear lots of talk about "We gotta get this done!" But in all actuality, God is the one who will get it done. We just have to listen to his voice in our own lives and love the people around us in a way that will celebrate what we have to offer eachother and God through our services, our praise, or leading, our gifts, our money, our time, our hearts.

So the Body, and bread. Wonderfully simple and satisfying.

Five hours later...Delicious!