Monday, October 28, 2013

Two months

It is hard to believe that two months ago, Avery came into our lives. The past nine weeks have been some of the hardest, best weeks of my life. We were so very blessed to get to have eight weeks of all three of us being home together! I don't know what I would have done without the support and steadiness of Austin during those first six weeks especially.

So much has happened in this short amount of time, and its incredible how much she's grown and changed already. We have conversations now, little coo's squeals and smiles so big she can hardly stand it. It's just incredible.

Some of my favorite things are how she looks at me and smiles while she's nursing, our talks on the changing table (she loves having her diaper off!), how she perches on my shoulder and lifts her head and looks around and I can hear her sweet fast little breaths while she takes in the world around her. Holding her while she sleeps. Knowing that I am her whole world.

Every night we get in bed, all three of us and read a story from her Jesus Storybook Bible and then pray together. It is such a sweet time. Oh, how we love our baby girl!

So much has happened. At ten days old, we took our baby girl to Dripping Springs which made me so happy for her to meet her Drippin' family. We learned about trusting God with everything, and learned that "fear is a liar".

The first six weeks, I cried every single day, which was quite overwhelming for me. I cried when I looked at her because I couldn't believe how much I loved her. I cried when she cried. I cried when I thought it was too hard. I cried when I felt like I didn't know how to do things. I cried when I was tired. I cried because I was overjoyed. I cried because I remembered my little brother. I cried realizing how much my parents loved me. I cried because Austin was such a rock for me. I cried because I felt blessed beyond measure. I cried because life seemed miraculous and precious and hard.

I've watched our baby girl heal my family. It's beautiful.

As the weeks ticked by, I kept praying about what was supposed to happen after my leave from work was over. Austin did not have a job, had not been able to land a job in a year and a half, and when I prayed the only thing that felt sure was that I was supposed to be with Avery. No other answer, plan or solution.

Tom Russell and Suzy came to visit us a few weeks before I was to go back to work and helped us clear some of the fear out of the way so we could hear what we were supposed to do.

Austin interviewed for yet another job.

They said they would let him know late the next week or early the following...the week I went back to work.

Fear is a liar.

I was afraid that God wouldn't come through. This time.

During this time, our dear friends the Merritts lost their twin babies at 20 weeks pregnant. This was so unbelievably sad and terrible and heartbreaking. Why didn't God come through for sweet baby Lola and baby Jude?

Fear is a liar.

My mom's best friend is dying of cancer. Why didn't God come through?

Fear is a liar.

Monday comes and no word on the job, doubt creeps in and I feel that it will not happen. Why didn't God come through?

Fear is a liar.

I drive to work, teary, but thankful to leave Avery with her daddy. I know I'm supposed to be with her, but I can't see how. Why didn't God come through?

Fear is a liar.

Austin calls me a couple of hours after I go to work. "I got a call..." he says. "I got the job!"

Fear is a liar.

God's timing is always perfect. I am going to stay home with Avery! Austin is so excited about his job and I'm so excited about getting to be with my little girl. I'm nervous and excited about the ways this is going to challenge me and bless me. This is a really big change. Lord, help me to continue to trust your timing, your wisdom and your guidance. Even when I'm afraid it doesn't make sense! You are good.

I can't explain the mix of joy and sorrow. I can't explain why God would care about answering prayers about a job, but not about healing. It would be inappropriate to try I think. All I know is that here in this moment, God has blessed us and Avery. I know that even in the midst of tragedy, God has blessed the Merritts.

All I know is that Fear is a liar. Even when it looks really bad.

We love you so much. We don't have all the answers, but we are learning to trust our Father. He is good, baby girl, and he loves us so. He has used you already to bless us and grow us and challenge us. You are the best thing that has ever happened to us, sweet girl. We love you more than you can even imagine, and now I understand a little more how much that means God loves us. I would do absolutely anything for you. You are the most precious thing in my life. I pray that I can help you know that love, and not hinder it. I am honored to be your mother and I pray God will bless my efforts. I'm not perfect and I will mess up, but I promise I will try my best to lean on our wise counselor to show me how to love like He loves. Precious, sweet girl, you've changed us forever.
Love, Mom and Dad 

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